My Dog is a Republican

I lowered my IQ by 5 points today. A high school classmate and Facebook friend posted some stupid country song called "I Think My Dog is a Democrat". The artist's name escapes me, but he is that doughy white guy who wears a cowboy hat and a flannel shirt, and sings with a southern twang.

The song made the rounds last March, being publicized by alt-right, alt-fact media like Breitbart and Hannity. However, because my personal Venn diagram doesn't overlap with either the world of country music or the propaganda world of the crazy right, I just now became aware of it.

The "singer" starts out braying that he feeds his dog and takes him to the vet. Somehow, because the dog gets a legally-mandated amount of care, that makes his pet a Democrat. The lyrics then work-in some important GOP themes, including that Hillary is a female dog, the Dem-o-crats are taking our guns, there is widespread liberal voter fraud, and of course-Benghazi ^TM . He finally brings it on home, bellowing: "Ah thank ma dawg's a spread-the-way-ulth, gubment hay-ulth, flay-bitten De-mo-crat."

Unlike the dog in the insipid country song, I think that my dog, Bella, pictured above, might actually be a Republican.

First of all, Bella is not very smart. She is not even smart for a dog. She runs to the door every time a bell rings on TV. When I take her outside on the coldest of nights, she loses focus on her one job. She stares off into the polar gale as my core temperature steadily drops to the danger point.

Bella has all of the environmental ethics of a Republican. She craps all over the yard with no concern for others. She expects someone else to clean up her mess.

Bella also has the economic ethics of a Republican. When we feed the animals, my dog feels entitled to scarf-down all of the food. She leaves little or nothing for the cat. She got hers, screw Mr. Tickle-Puff.

Bella could be considered a neo-con Republican. She is constantly getting into fights with the neighbor dogs, actually enjoying a state of perpetual warfare.

Republicans live in fear of just about everything: big cities, non-Anglo-Saxons, feminists, terrorists, ebola, etc. So does Bella. She freaks out over plaster yard-statues of deer. If a car alarm goes-off anywhere within the Germantown city limits, she has conniptions. She cowers at the sound of distant thunder.

Bella hates any other animals that appear near her territory. She was here first, by God. No other dog should be allowed to set foot on HER soil!

Bella is not interested in facts. When I try to explain something to her, she just looks at me with the same blank, uncomprehending gaze common to Trump rally crowds.

Yes, if my dog was allowed to vote, I am afraid that she would join the millions of American humans of comparable intellect. She would vote Republican.