Political Winners and Losers of 2016

Each December, the staff at Radio Free W.O.W. selects the Political Winners and Losers of the past year. 2016 has been an incredibly busy year in the political arena. However, the outcomes were so terrible that it was tough coming-up with any winners at all. Here is our try:

Winner- Vladimir Putin. Succeeded where decades of Soviet-era leaders failed. Got his own personal puppet installed as the American President. It is rumored that Trump will make the last stop of his "Thank-You" tour at the Kremlin.

Losers- People who need healthcare. GOP politicians will kill the ACA, gut Medicaid, turn Medicare into a discount coupon scheme, and end support for women's clinics. These successful programs will maybe, possibly, be replaced sometime later by "Something great. Believe me."

Winner-The planet Venus. Once known as the hellishly-hot sister planet of Earth. With ascension of science-denying politicians in the US, Venus will soon become the much cooler sibling.

Loser- Sheriff David Clarke, who was responsible for four recent deaths in his jail. He called for "torches and pitchforks" if Trump lost. However, after the election, he tweeted "These temper tantrums from these radical anarchists must be quelled. There is no legitimate reason to protest the will of the people." (Other than that pesky First Amendment).

Winner- John Glenn. Marine pilot, Mercury astronaut, US Senator, Space Shuttle passenger, American hero. Inspired many American kids (including me) to go into science. A life well-lived.

Losers- The people of Wisconsin, whose State Supreme Court continues to be packed with dark-money favorites like corporatist shill and homophobe, Rebecca Bradley.

Winners-The US Olympic athletes who did us all proud in Rio. Except swimmer Ryan Lochte. He was kind of dickish, causing an unnecessary international incident.

Losers- Indiana taxpayers, who paid $7 million to Carrier to help ship 1,400 jobs to Mexico and footed the bill for the trumpian media circus in Indianapolis.

Winner- Mohammad Ali. Can legitimately be called "the Greatest". Heavyweight boxing champ and US ambassador to the world. Jeopardized his career to protest the Vietnam War, saying "Man, I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Cong. No Viet Cong ever called me ni****." Another life well-lived.

Loser- Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. The elderly mutant ninja turtle refused to do his constitutionally-mandated job for almost a year. He allowed no hearings on Supreme Court nominee, Merrick Garland. Later topped himself by hiding knowledge of Russian interference in our elections from the American people.

Winner, Quote of the Year Award- The Loser of the Presidential popular vote, who, when asked to name his policy advisers, replied, "I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things." The runner-up quote, coincidentally, by the same politician, is "I know words. I have the best words."

Losers- Uday and Qusay Bevis and Butthead Trump. The Trump boys have been selected by our staff as the most likely administration members to first end-up in prison on corruption charges.

Winners- The Social Darwinist wing of the Republican Party, headed by Paul Ryan, who succeeded in taking-over the government they hate so much. The group's credos are: "Punish and humiliate the poor.", "School lunches give kids a full stomach but an empty soul.", and "We only like people who don't get sick."

Winner- ChaChi, who went from talentless D-list obscurity to a major speaking gig at the GOP National Convention. He was sadly the most prominent celebrity to support the GOP nominee.

Loser- Perennial loser, Scott Walker, made the list this year after the leak of John Doe evidence to The Guardian. The leak illustrated Walker's pay-for-play ethics and illegal campaign coordination. One damning piece of evidence was a canceled check written by a donor to a dark money group. On the memo line was written "Because Scott Walker asked".

Winners- Writers and Directors of the 2006 film, Idiocracy. Their prescient work predicted a future of anti-intellectualism, rampant commercialism, and little social responsibility. Many have suggested that the movie's dim-witted wrestler-turned-President captures Trump perfectly. "It's got electrolytes!"

Losers- 2012 Obama voters who did not vote this year. In 2012, Romney received 2,682 more Wisconsin votes than Trump did this year. Obama received 238,449 more votes than did Clinton this year. By not voting (or voting for Jill Stein), Democratic-leaning state voters handed Wisconsin (and the Oval Office) to the least qualified candidate in history.

Winners- The Obamas, who for eight years have brought grace, class, and style to the White House. Barack Obama leaves office with a steadily-growing economy, no major scandals, low unemployment, low uninsured rates, an improving environment, and strong US leadership in the world.